When you look at the picture of a group in which you appear, who do you look first? Although we do not go around saying it, human beings caused much more worry and suffering by a slight toothache than a humanitarian catastrophe on the other side of the globe. And just as you give priority to your interests, other people also privilege what they consider fundamental.
If you want to win the sympathy of others, persuade them to perform specific actions. Help make the lives of others better; the first thing you should do is put yourself in their place and try to understand what they want.
The following rules for dealing with others are not magic tricks that can fix anyone’s life. It would be naive to assume that a favorable reaction will always be obtained from others when these methods are used. Experiences supported by these principles indicate that attitudes are more likely to be used by them than by not doing so. If with these methods, you manage to increase your performance even by ten percent. You can claim to be a ten percent more effective leader and enjoy the benefits of it.
RULE 1. Do not criticize, do not condemn or complain.
Lewis Lawes, who was the warden of the famous Sing Sing Prison in New York, said with confidence that few of the criminals in Sing Sing are considered bad men. Such is human nature, which allows us to affirm that ninety-nine times out of one hundred, no man criticizes himself, no matter how big his mistakes are, and that, on the contrary, he takes advantage of the slightest pretext to download his criticisms in others.
But in addition to being dangerous because they hurt pride, undermine self-esteem, and make resentment emerge. Criticism is useless because instead of causing lasting changes, they put the critic on the defensive and ready to justify themselves.
There are thousands of pages of history to find examples of the uselessness of criticism. Lincoln knew it, and that is why he said, Do not judge if you do not want to be judged. When other people spoke harshly of the southern United States, he replied: Do not censor them; They are as we would be in similar circumstances. Anyone can criticize, censor, and complain, and almost all fools do it. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and able to forgive. Instead of condemning people, try to understand them.
RULE 2. Show honest and sincere appreciation.
John Dewey argued that the most profound impulse of human nature is the desire to be important. Without that yearning, which led Columbus to claim the title of “Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of the Indies,” which caused Catherine the Great to refuse to open letters that were not addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty.” Without that yearning that has always inspired immortal thinkers and artists, our civilization would not have been possible. Alfred Lunt, one of the most prominent actors of his time, said: There is nothing I need as much as food for my esteem.
Each person satisfies their desire to be someone in a different way, and that is the characteristic that best defines their character.
Some people are so thirsty for the importance that they reach dementia. Imagine for a moment the miracles you could achieve by offering your neighbor an honest appreciation of their relevance. Charles Schwab explained his success with these simple words: If I like something, I am warm in my approval and generous in my compliments.
It is not about being a flatterer and intoxicating others with artificial flattery, because as with false money, flattery can put us in trouble if we want to circulate it. It is about recognizing each other’s strengths and sincerely appreciating them. Doing what Emerson did, whose personal prestige did not prevent him from acknowledging and praising the qualities of others. Every man I know is superior to me in some sense. In that sense, I learn from him.
RULE 3. Wake up in others an intense desire.
If you want others to be interested in something, put yourself in their position, think about what they like, talk about what they want, and show them how to get it. After all, you only do what you want to do, because the real engine of human actions is the personal desire to do them. Instead of telling the other about what you want them to do, take a break and think: how can I get them to want to do it? Then you can present things so that the other can see that they generate benefits.
The seller who manages to show us that his services or products will help us solve problems, will not have to make an effort to sell us anything. We will already buy it. Do as Tim’s father, that child who was going to start the nursery the next day and refused to go, in tears and screams. Instead of forcing him by force, the father took out some paintings and invited his wife and his other son to paint with their fingers in the kitchen.
When Tim wanted to participate, his father said: Oh, no, you have to go to the nursery to learn to paint with your fingers. Those few words were enough to arouse Tim’s full interest in the nursery, and the next day, he couldn’t wait to start classes.
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Six ways to please others
RULE 1. Show a sincere interest in others.
A century before Jesus Christ was born, a famous Roman poet, Publilio Syro, said: We are interested in other people when they are interested in us. Have you ever thought about the dog’s strategy to earn a living without working? While the chicken lays eggs, the canary sings, and the cow delivers her milk, the dog makes a living just by showing his love for the owner. He knows that all humans, whether factory workers, employees in an office, or even kings, like those who admire them or rejoice in their company.
A genuine interest in the other person is the most prominent quality that a seller or anyone can possess.
Howard Thurston, one of the most famous magicians in history, encrypted his success in his love for the public. For that reason, before going on stage, he always repeated himself mentally: I adore my audience, I am grateful. Similarly, Roosevelt’s biographers do not cease to be surprised at his ability to take an interest in each person. They say that when he returned to the White House, years after his presidency, he greeted all employees one by one, including, of course, the cleaning staff. More friends can be earned in two months by genuinely taking an interest in them, than in two years trying to get others interested in one.
RULE 2. Smile.
The dog that moves its tail and jumps like a madman every time he sees you. That baby who smiles openly and responds to your gestures with a burst of joy can convey more satisfaction to your soul than a million complimentary words. Actions and gestures speak louder than words; therefore, a sincere smile that expresses an I like you. It causes me happiness. I’m so glad to see it, open doors, close deals, and conquer hearts.
The chief of staff of a large New York store stated that he preferred to employ a salesperson without instruction, provided he had a sincere smile. William B. Steinhardt said after being questioned about the causes of his success: I have concluded that smiles make me money, a lot of money every day. Not surprisingly, the wise Chinese coined the proverb according to which the man whose face does not smile should not open a shop.
RULE 3. Remember that for every person, his name is the sweetest and most primordial sound in any language.
While in Scotland during his childhood, Andrew Carnegie hunted a rabbit and soon found himself with a whole litter of bunnies, but nothing to feed them with. Then he came up with a brilliant idea: he told the children in the neighborhood that he would baptize the animals in honor of those who would bring clover and herbs to feed them. The plan yielded magical results, and Andrew learned the lesson very well.
That is why, years later, when he was called “the King of Steel” and wanted to sell rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad, whose president was J. Edgar Thomson. He built a blast furnace plant in Pittsburgh, which he called Edgar Thomson Steelworks. It is not difficult to guess who placed the order when the Pennsylvania railway needed steel rails.
When the competition with George Pullman to achieve supremacy in the sale of dormitory cars was putting both companies in check, Carnegie approached him and proposed that they merge. Pullman, who seemed unconvinced, asked: What name would the new firm have? To which Carnegie replied: Well, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course. At that moment, a new stage for the United States industry began.
Any information we give or any question we ask will acquire a unique relevance if we add the name of our interlocutor. That single word works miracles. That is why politicians know very well that remembering the name of an elector is a quality of statesman, forgetting it means going to political oblivion.
RULE 4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old friend asking him to go to Washington and, once there, talked to him for hours about the advisability of proclaiming the liberation of slaves. After exposing arguments for and against such decisions and reading newspaper articles and letters that censored him.
Lincoln shook his old friend’s hand, said goodbye and sent him back to Illinois, without asking for advice or even asking for his opinion. Lincoln just wanted a friendly, understanding listener, to whom to dump his ideas: the same thing we look for when we are in trouble. The same thing that the irritated client, the dissatisfied employee, or the disgusted friend usually looks for.
Many people call a doctor when what they need is someone to listen to them, said an article in Reader’s Digest Selections. The chronic complainer and even the most violent critic will tend to soften in the presence of a listener who shows patience and sympathy. According to Charles W. Eliot, who was president of Harvard: there are no mysteries in a pleasant business conversation … It is vital to pay exclusive attention to the person who speaks. There is nothing more flattering than that.
RULE 5. Always talk about what interests others.
Each time Roosevelt waited for a visitor, he stayed until very late the night before his arrival. Instructing himself on the subject on which he knew that the expected guest was particularly interested. Roosevelt did not ignore that the shortest way to the heart of another person is to talk to him about the things that are most precious to him. Entrepreneurs, sellers, and teachers have found with amazement the excellent fruits that are obtained when a sincere link is established with the interests of the interlocutor.
RULE 6. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
Almost all people you encounter feel superior to you in some sense. Way to reach their heart is to make them understand that you recognize their importance. Disraeli, one of the most cunning men who have ruled the British Empire, said the following: Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.
How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking
RULE 1. The only way to win in an argument is to avoid it.
If you argue and fight and contradict, you can sometimes achieve a triumph; but it will be an empty triumph because you will never get the goodwill of the opponent. There is only one way to win an argument, and that way is to avoid it, as you would avoid a rattlesnake or an earthquake. Almost always, at the end of an argument, contestants feel more convinced that the reason is on their side. If anyone pretends to be a winner, for being able to demonstrate logically and publicly the error of his counterpart, he will only have had an academic and theatrical victory.
Under which the defeat of having set the enmity of someone whose pride he has hurt lies. We can overturn the whole logic of Plato or Kant over the other, but we will hardly alter his opinions when we have hurt his feelings.
Misunderstandings are not resolved with arguments or fights, but with tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sincere desire to appreciate the point of view of others. Remember Lincoln: It is better to give way to a dog than to be bitten by him to dispute that right. Not even killing the dog would heal from the bite.
RULE 2. Show respect for the opinions of others.
We all tend to think that if we are not always right, at least we have it most of the time. But it turns out that if we had it 55 percent of the time, then we should have already gone to Wall Street and become millionaires in a short time. In reality, we are much more fallible than we can conceive. And if we cannot affirm that we are right even 55 percent of the time, then what do we get from scrubbing their mistakes?
When someone is wrong, sometimes he admits to himself. And if he is known to arrive softly and tactfully, he may reveal it to others and even take pride in his openness and fairness in doing so. But none of that happens when another person tries to hit the painful shame of being wrong. If you want to prove something, do it subtly, with such skill that nobody thinks you are doing it.
We are incredibly unsuspecting in the formation of our beliefs, but we feel full of an illicit passion for them when someone intends to deprive us of their company. It is clear that what we find expensive is not the ideas themselves, but our esteem, which is threatened. The result is that most of what we call reasoning is finding arguments to continue believing what we already believe.
RULE 3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
You will never be in trouble for accepting that you may be wrong. It will give the other person the desire to be as fair and equanimous as you, making him admit that he can also be wrong.
When someone dares to accept their own mistakes, they not only avoid defensive attitudes and possible conflicts but often contribute to solving the problem created by the error.
If you know that you have made a mistake and that others can come to realize, isn’t it preferable to get ahead and recognize it on your own? It is always easier to hear our own criticism than the criticism of others by saying yourself all the negative things that the other person may be thinking. Not only will it take away their reason to speak, but they will likely assume a generous attitude of forgiveness and, instead of amplifying the attack.
RULE 4. Start in a friendly way.
After one of the bloodiest strikes in the history of the North American industry, in which the miners of the Colorado Fuel & Iron Company demanded a salary increase. After the high balance of destruction, of wounded and even death when the intervention took place, its president Rockefeller decided to appear at the scene.
He visited homes of a large number of workers and managed to convene a meeting with the representatives of the strikers. His complete speech is a masterpiece. To those people who wanted to hang him from a tree, Rockefeller addressed the most gentle and friendly words anyone could say. Shortly after they resumed their activities and even forgot the wage protests, they had defended so vehemently.
This is part of what he told them:I am fortunate to meet the representatives of the employees of this great company, their officials, and superintendents, all together. I can assure you that I am proud to meet here and that as long as I live, I will remember this meeting. I had the opportunity to visit all the camps in the southern mines during last week and to speak individually with representatives. After visiting you in your homes, and meeting many of your wives and children, we don’t meet here as strangers, but as friends.
An old maxim prays that more flies are caught with a drop of honey than with a barrel of gall. What would have happened if Rockefeller had decided to appeal to the most significant economic theories and calculations of absolute precision to prove to his employees that their requests were impossible to satisfy?
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RULE 5. Get the other person to say yes, yes, immediately.
Prevent your interlocutor from saying no at first. As Professor Overstreet noted, when a person has said No, all the pride in his personality demands that he be consistent with himself. I may understand later that this was not a mistake, but you still have to take into account your precious pride. The more you hear yes from the beginning, the higher the chances of getting the attention of the interlocutor to raise the final proposal.
Such was the strategy of Socrates. The great philosopher was too smart to tell others that they were wrong. All his technique, known today as the “Socratic method,” was based on obtaining affirmative answers. Socrates was asking questions that he knew his interlocutor would answer in the affirmative. Thus, he was winning one statement after another until he obtained a considerable amount of yeses in his favor. Then he kept asking until in the end, and almost without noticing how his interlocutor was concluding that a few minutes before he would have rejected vigorously.
RULE 6. Allow the other person to speak the most.
When one of the major car manufacturers in the United States carried out the selection process to acquire the fabrics with which they would upholster their cars. A representative of one of the competing companies, who carefully prepared his presentation, came without a voice to the interview with the managers of the automotive company. Upon entering the boardroom, he took out a paper and wrote: Gentlemen, I have lost my voice; I will not be able to speak. Then the company director told him not to worry, that he would speak for him.
When he took up his position, he took charge of presenting the virtues of his fabrics but also responded correctly to the different objections raised by other members. The seller, who had just nodded, signed that afternoon the most substantial contract of his life: a million meters of upholstery fabric.
RULE 7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his.
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: In all genius work, we recognize our own discarded ideas: they return to us with some alienated majesty. When we try to persuade another of an idea that we had, wouldn’t it be better to present it through suggestions? So that way, he comes to it and assumes it as his own. That was very well known to Colonel Edward H. House, who was able to grant, the authorship of his ideas on the management of national and international affairs to President Woodrow Wilson and won the most privileged place among advisors.
Once I got to know the president well -House himself wrote – I knew that the best way to convert it to any idea was to introduce it into his head, without giving it any importance, but in such a way that it awoke his interest so that he would begin to think of it on his own.
The words spoken by the Chinese sage Lao Tsé twenty-five centuries ago reflect this attitude and contain unparalleled wisdom. The reason why rivers and seas receive the tribute of a hundred torrents of the mountain is that they remain below them. Thus they can reign over all the torrents of the mountain. Similarly, the wise man who wishes to be above men is beneath them; He who wants to stand before them, stands behind. That way, even if their place is above men, they don’t feel their weight.
RULE 8. Try to see things honestly from the point of view of the other person.
When a journalist asked Martin Luther King how he, being a pacifist, could admire Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, he answered wisely: I judge people by their principles, not by mine. When you want to persuade someone to do something, the orders and impositions are usually useless. Their effects do not last much longer than the presence of the authority figure. Each of us always has several reasons why he thinks what he thinks and does what he does. Put yourself in the position of others and unravel your hidden reasons, then you can offer persuasive arguments to take any action while earning your sympathy. Remember also that by being interested in the causes, we are less likely to dislike the effects.
RULE 9. Show sympathy for the ideas and wishes of the other person.
Mrs. Norris, a piano teacher, found that Babette had a particular musical talent, but she knew that she would never play the piano well because of those long nails. This teacher assumed that, in case of confronting her and telling her to cut them, she would immediately lose a promising apprentice. One day she praised her beautiful nails, congratulating her on the way she took care of them. Then she added that she had noticed an excellent musical talent and told her that if she wanted to progress on the piano, perhaps it would be better to cut them. But that was a sacrifice that no one could demand. The following week, Mrs. Norris found with satisfaction that Babette had cut her nails.
RULE 10. Appeal to the noblest motives.
Before becoming a prestigious editor, Cyrus HK Curtis was looking for articles by prestigious writers for his magazines. He was not in a position to pay them an amount even close to that offered by the other publications. Given this, he decided to appeal to the noblest motives and managed to convince many writers to write in his magazines. He merely offered them a one hundred dollar check that would not go to them, but a charity.
When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wanted newspapers to stop publishing images of his children, he used this same technique. Instead of lashing out at the journalists, he sent them a warm letter in which he said: You know how these things are. Some of you also have children. And they know that it is not suitable for children to enjoy too much publicity.
When Lord Northcliffe found in a newspaper a photograph of him that he did not want to be published, he wrote a letter to the director in which he appealed to respect and love we all feel for our mothers. Telling him: I beg you not to publish that photograph again. My mother doesn’t like it.
RULE 11. Dramatize your ideas.
Advertisers know very well that the success of the message is encrypted in the way an idea is presented and in the ability to attract people’s attention. We live in a time of dramatization, cinema, television, and the media do it continuously. Mere words are no longer enough to arouse interest. You have to accompany them with gestures, with acts, with images. The manufacturers of new rat poison, clearly aware of that fact, gave the merchants a display for the shop window with two live rats inside. The week that these rats were in the shop window, sales multiplied by five.
RULE 12. Throw, with tact, a kind challenge. Charles Schwab, head of a factory whose staff was well below the expected level, visited the plant one afternoon. After asking how many furnace loads, they made, asked for chalk, and drew a large six on the ground. When the night shift workers arrived, they asked what that number meant, to which they replied that the great boss had been there and had written down the number of charges made for the day shift.
The next morning, Schwab returned to the workshop and saw that the night workers had erased the six and instead had drawn a huge seven. When the day workers saw, instead of being ashamed, they were courageous, and a few hours later, they write an even bigger twelve instead. Schwab didn’t have to say a single word.
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Be a leader and influence the behavior of others
RULE 1. Start with praise and sincere appreciation.
Before introducing into your mouth those instruments that seem taken from a police series, the dentist uses novocaine so that you do not feel the pain. Dorothy Wrublewski, area manager of the Federal Credit Union in New Jersey, had an employee who did an excellent job but ruined everything because of her inability to balance. Instead of firing her, as everyone demanded, he decided to talk to her one day after closing the doors to the public. This is what Wrublewski did, in his own words: I congratulated her for a friendly and open spirit with other employees, correctness and readiness with which she worked.
Then I suggested that we review the procedure he used to balance the money in his box. As soon as he understood that I trusted her, he followed my suggestions and soon mastered his duties. Remember that the barber soaps his client’s face before shaving.
RULE 2. Indirectly call attention to the mistakes of others.
When you want to modify someone’s attitude without offending or creating resentment, a single word can make the difference between triumph and failure. For example, if a father who wants to improve his son’s results in algebra comes up and tells him. I am very proud of you for improving your grades this month, but if you had worked harder on algebra, the results would have been even better. This will make the child feel happy until he hears the word “but.” This will make him think that the initial praise was nothing more than a pretext to question his results. That same father would achieve a very different effect just by changing that “but”: I am very proud of you for improving your grades this month, and if you keep trying, you can raise the notes in algebra to the level of the others.
On one occasion, Mrs. Jacob hired some workers to do work in her house. During the first days of work, when he returned from his office, he noted with distaste that they had left the yard full of wood fragments. Instead of reprimanding them or giving them an order, one afternoon, he asked his children for help, and they all collected and stacked the remains of wood in a corner. The next day, he approached the foreman and told him how happy he was because of the way they had left the patio the day before because it didn’t bother the neighbors. While the works continued, he did not have to do anything else. Every time he returned from his office, he found the patio of the house in complete order.
RULE 3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing those of others.
It is much easier to hear a list of the defects themselves when the one who pronounces it begins by admitting with humility that he is also far from perfection.
RULE 4. Ask questions instead of giving orders.
Owen D. Young, the prestigious director of GE, never gave a direct order. He asked others how they felt something should be done and suggested their views on it. Then he let them decide their own way of proceeding and learn from their own mistakes. Asking questions not only makes orders more acceptable but often stimulates the creativity of the person. Besides, people are much more likely to accept an order with pleasure if they have participated in the decision process that precedes it.
RULE 5. Allow the other person to save their own prestige.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man before himself. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime. Many of us do not know the value that each of us has its own prestige and criticize others in public, discover their flaws, or trample their feelings.
A particular public accountant who hired employees by seasons had to face at the end of these periods, the awkward task of making redundancies. The nature of his business did not allow him to keep the workers, and although they knew it, resentment always arose when the contract would not be renewed. Until you decided to change technique and inform them of the dismissal with these words: You have worked very well.
The time we sent him to Newark, he had a difficult mission. However, you did it with great results, and we want to let you know that the house is proud of you. It will progress a lot, wherever it works. The house believes in you, and we don’t want you to forget it. The effect obtained calmed the spirits. The workers were satisfied with themselves and did not feel that they had been thrown out. Also, when they needed them again, they were grateful again.
RULE 6. Praise even the little progress.
Psychologist BF Skinner conducted experiments with animals and humans and showed that by reducing criticism and increasing praise, it is possible to reinforce the good that people do and reduce the bad. Positive stimuli are much more effective than punishments. You have to give treats instead of a whip.
And just as empty or fallacious flatteries have no effect, specific praise is much more profitable than unspecific praise. Many teachers know that to strengthen student’s attitudes, it is not enough to tell them that they are good, but that it is worth noting the points on which they stand out. So that the praise becomes meaningful and the other person receives it as sincere, not as something they tell him to make him feel good.
RULE 7. Give the other person a good reputation to be interested in maintaining it.
If you help build another person’s excellent reputation, you will appreciate the enormous efforts you will make not to deny it. Extending the maxim of Shakespeare who affirms Assume a virtue if you do not have it. You should attribute to others the virtues that they do not possess if they want to cultivate them. When someone has enjoyed the prestige that gives them an outstanding feature, they will make great efforts to ratify that prestige.
At the beginning of the school year, a particular teacher noticed that Tommy was among his students, a troubled boy that all his colleagues talked with fear. When he read the list for the first time, he made a comment to each child, and when he arrived at Tommy, he said: I understand that you have a leader’s soul. I will depend on you to help me make this division the best of the fourth grades. In the following weeks, he reinforced this reputation, congratulating Tommy for everything he did and publicly commenting on his excellent skills. Indeed, Tommy did not disappoint the teacher.
RULE 8. Encourage the other person. Make mistakes look easy to correct.
Tell a child, an employee, or anyone stupid or incapable, that everything they do is wrong and you will destroy any incentive to try to improve. Show them, on the contrary, the easy way to do things, and their confidence can improve, and they will practice until they improve.
RULE 9. Make sure the other person is satisfied to do what you suggest.
When Woodrow Wilson, then president of the United States, wanted to send an emissary of peace to meet with the leaders immersed in the Great War in Europe in 1915. He appointed his intimate friend, Colonel Edward M. House. Wilson knew that William Jennings Bryan, secretary of state and lawyer for peace, was genuinely anxious to make that trip.
He assigned House the thorny task of informing Bryan that he had been selected. Bryan was very disappointed when he learned that I was going to Europe as an emissary of peace,” Colonel House wrote in his diary. He said he had planned to go.
President considered it imprudent to carry out this management officially. Bryan’s trip would arouse much attention, and people would wonder why he was going to Europe. It was enough to mention to Bryan that he was too important for that mission, so he remained satisfied in the United States and continued to be an exemplary official.
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Conclusion
Three thousand years ago, Zoroaster taught his disciples, in the cult of fire, in Persia, a fundamental precept. Confucius preached it in China twenty-four centuries ago. Buddha promulgated it on the banks of the Ganges. Lao Tsé instilled it in his disciples in the Han Valley. That precept is probably the most crucial rule in the world. Jesus, who also taught in the mountains of Judea nineteen centuries ago, summed it up in the following thought: Do to the neighbor what you want the neighbor to do to you.
The rules that appear here are nothing more than derivations of this precept. The testimony of the infinity of people, in different eras and places, constitutes a reliable sample of the power that one has. To understand others and behave in front of them in the same way that one would like to be treated if one were in the same situation. If you want to be a captain and direct the business ship, personality, tact, and ease of speech will be much more useful than knowledge of Latin verbs or a Harvard diploma.